Surrendering into Freedom

Can I make this easier for myself?

Have you ever had the experience of surveying your life and thinking, “hey, I’m doing really well!” You feel content with how things are moving. You feel ready to “level up”, develop your skills. You see the future before you as a well charted map with chronological events set in steady, predictable places.

And then, in an inexplicable turn of events, something materializes to remind you that you were never in control?

Haha, yeah.

There have been so many times in my life that I’ve had to surrender. More times than I can count. Surrender my plans, surrender my beliefs, surrender my narratives, surrender moments and people. It’s always boiled down to a choice: continue to fight and exhaust myself for nothing, or allow this river to carry me with the current and trust that I’ll be led on the right course.

It’s funny, all the ways we humans contradict ourselves. On one hand, I just want to let go of the steering wheel and have the freedom to eat rocky road ice cream straight from the tub while looking out of the window and admiring the cows. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t dream of doing anything other than gripping that wheel with white knuckled fingers, making sure I’m in control of every turn.

Everyone I meet, all the people I talk to, seem to bump up against the very same conflict. It wears an endless amount of disguises, but at the core it’s always the same: I just want to be okay. I want things to flow, I want joy to come easily. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m tired!

And yet…

We’re showing up to the arena armed to the teeth with self help anecdotes, strict and inflexible regimens, and a myriad of ways to soothe the existential panic brought upon by the knowledge that we will never manage to control everything. No wonder we’re all tired!

No matter how good your self care routine is, no matter how much you devote yourself to doing all the “right” things, you are still but a blip in the universe. One shimmering spark of light among the trillions that God is weaving into some grand tapestry. Your plans may or may not match the trajectory.

There is so much happening that we simply don’t see.

And thus begins the timeless human conflict:

Should I even bother trying? Planning? Making my own efforts? If everything is going to happen as it should anyway, then what’s the point?

Well, it’s like this…

It’s still your stuff. But you don’t always have to carry it.

If you’re tired, rest. If you’re worried, pause. We are now in the season of boundless verdant reminders that life continues, after everything. While you’re fretting inside your anxiety box, daffodils are bursting from the ground and birds are zipping across the trees, singing to each other. Go outside and see. Everything will sort itself out, as it always has, as it always will.

Trusting is an act of surrender. And yes, at first it’s scary. Which is why so many of us balk at the idea of relinquishing our coping mechanisms. But gradually it becomes easier, and like a muscle, you get stronger in the art of surrender.

Take Pesach (Passover) for example, it’s hot on our heels at this very moment. Isn’t it ironic that the holiday given to us as an opportunity to celebrate freedom and transcendence is in fact the one that gets everyone feeling the most un-free and un-transcended?

The weeks leading up to Pesach are a playground for our collective Jewish neurosis. It’s when the control freaks really get to shine. And we’ve all grown up knowing at least one yiddishe mama who made drama.

At the heart of the exodus was the ancient call. You can stay in Egypt and cling to your small life and your old ways, even though it’s hurting you. Or you can trust. You can take the leap of faith and follow God into the desert. Into a big, scary unknown. Before we could be rescued we had to surrender. We had to trust that we would be led.

So maybe this frenzied time leading up to Pesach isn’t irony, maybe this is a powerful invitation for us to embody the control/ surrender paradox in a very practical way.

Sure, go ahead and vacuum the driveway outside.

Kasher your son’s participation trophy along with all the silver.

Go to every store in search of the perfect socks to match your kids’ chol hamoed PJs.

And why not bake another three cakes?

You can do all that. Just remember to-

In that moment of surrender ask yourself what’s truly important. And if you’re being honest with yourself, how can you honor this spirit of trust and freedom that you’re striving to cultivate? How can you let go a little more and enjoy the ride instead of being a backseat driver?

Acknowledge your very human need for control. And choose to transcend it, little by little. Freedom isn’t a dream you chase, it’s a reality you step into when you opt for trust and surrender.

Thank you for reading Crayons & Soul!

What are your thoughts on this topic? I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to drop a comment via the Substack app or website, or respond to this email if reading from your inbox.

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I hope you enjoyed. See you next month<3